I think about my life’s purpose pretty regularly and how it correlates to who I am as a person. The 10th anniversary of my 25th birthday is this month and if I’m being honest, I love being in my thirties. I have a better sense of self, I understand more of what is important to me and I take a lot less shit. Don’t get me wrong, I still take a lot of shit. I have a tendency to be very passive but I am getting better at it. I have really started to understand myself better, my flaws, my strengths, my creative ability. In this self discovery, I have found that I have a real problem with mediocrity. I have also found that I tend to dwell in mediocrity far too much.
Mediocrity means something totally different to every single person. We all thrive for different things, have different goals, and different definitions of winning. I have always been a free spirit. Very interested in seeing and learning all of the things the world has to offer. I’ve always believed God made a beautiful world and I have short time here to take in as much of it as possible and give as much back to it as possible …but right as I was entering my twenties, I stumbled. Fear found me and I started diminishing my abilities to not have to face fear head on. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of failure. I let that fear hold me back for way too long. It wasn’t until the end of 2016, almost 15 years later, that I stepped outside of it and saw the beauty in not being afraid. I took a beautiful trip to Paris, I left my toxic job, I cut off all of my hair. I started businesses that made me feel like me.
Yet still I feel stuck in mediocrity. You see the problem is I became so weighed down by all the things that built up while I was being afraid. The clear road I had at 20-something is not the clear road I have in my 30s. It’s all very overwhelming to dig back out from underneath. I watch women I love like Issa Rae and Yagazie Emezi and Zim Ugochukwu being great in their careers and their businesses. Creative entrepreneurs pushing forward and changing rules and views and I think, this is my tribe. These women are everything I feel in my heart I should be in my own right. So everyday I sit uncomfortable in my situation and come up with new ways to get out of it and move forward and travel upward. I’m so late and so behind and it’s tough to work at becoming what you should have always been but there is a tugging in my soul to tell me to take the next step and move outside of fear.
Sometimes it’s lonely AF.
But I cannot imagine living with this personal feeling of mediocrity, not exploring the depths to which my soul and heart drive me. It is such a weight on my being to wake up every morning and not be living who I am. I’m not entirely sure where this feeling is supposed to bring me in God’s purpose for me but I am 100% sure it is taking me somewhere …somewhere amazing. The Incredible Jessica James says, “I’m a unicorn.” and it’s how I feel in my heart like I’m supposed to be on a crazy magical adventure of getting everything the world has to offer and giving back everything I can.
Do you ever feel like there is something more you’re meant to do? What are some things that make you feel powerful and purposeful?
Thanks for the post! I’ve been struggling with something similar for a while…I’m in my early/mid 30s and have had a great, challenging, successful career for over a decade but a number of things in the past couple years have really gone downhill and I’m questioning what makes me happy and what I’m passionate about. Enjoyed reading about your experience!
I guess it’s always a journey no matter where you are. Wishing you all the happiness!
Um, I’m sorry but are ypu my soul sister? Way to read my mind almost verbatim! Wow! I’m right there with you girl, right there!